Short Story Of the Day (poem?), Convenience Store Fined For Being Inconvenient by Bill Chance

“When we have to change an opinion about any one, we charge heavily to his account the inconvenience he thereby causes us.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

Creepy scene through a shop window, Denton, Texas

I have been feeling in a deep hopeless rut lately, and I’m sure a lot of you have too. After writing another Sunday Snippet I decided to set an ambitious goal for myself. I’ll write a short piece of fiction every day and put it up here. Obviously, quality will vary – you get what you get. Length too – I’ll have to write something short on busy days. They will be raw first drafts and full of errors.

I’m not sure how long I can keep it up… I do write quickly, but coming up with an idea every day will be a difficult challenge. So far so good. Maybe a hundred in a row might be a good, achievable, and tough goal.

Here’s another one for today (#36). What do you think? Any comments, criticism, insults, ideas, prompts, abuse … anything is welcome. Feel free to comment or contact me.

Thanks for reading.


A long time ago I went to a poetry reading at the Richardson Library. The poet passed out slips of paper with outrageous (but real) headlines on them and each of us were supposed to write a poem based on their headline.

Mine was 34. JAPAN BREEDING ARMY OF GODZILLAS!

You can read my poem at this blog entry.

I did some web searching and discovered the headlines he passed out were from the fine publication Weekly World News and they are a cornucopia of outrageousness and hilarity. When writer’s block strikes I pick a headline and write a poem.

Some of today’s gems:

BAT BOY NAILS COGNITIVE TEST!
August 7, 2020 by Frank Lake
PERSON, WOMAN, BAT, CAMERA, WINGS! President Trump challenged his competitors Joe Biden and Bat Boy …

56-YEAR-OLD MAN WINS ANIMAL CROSSING
August 7, 2020 by Rusty Botttoms
Game Over.  Millions Around the Globe DevastATed.  Nintendo Stock Price Declines 30% on the News. …

BRUTE TAMED BY PIXIES!
August 5, 2020 by Brick Rivers
“I WANTED TO CHANGE MY LIFE BUT…PIXIES? SERIOUSLY?” HE SAYS By all accounts, until recently, …

CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PEOPLE AND PUPPETS?
August 4, 2020 by Boyce Day
THE OTHER PANDEMIC Do you think Kermit is a real frog?  Do you think Lamb Chop is …

WOMAN MARRIES HER TEDDY BEAR!
July 31, 2020 by Brick Rivers
“UNLIKE MOST MEN, HE LISTENS WHEN I TALK.” After being kicked in the head by …

BARNEY GETS JACKED!
July 31, 2020 by Adam Peacock
DATING CARDI B? Barney, once popular chubby children’s show icon, fell out of favor and …

VAMPIRES LEAVING LOS ANGELES
July 29, 2020 by Brick Rivers
“THIS TOWN SUCKS,” SAYS LEAD VAMP. “NO PUN INTENDED.” For decades, the Los Angeles chapter…

DOLPHIN SIGHTED WEARING OLD CAMPAIGN GEAR
July 29, 2020 by Boyce Day
He Likes Ike! A trio of friends out fishing on the Atlantic Ocean recently spotted …

NY TIMES REPORTER EATEN ALIVE BY 80-FT. DINOSAUR!
July 27, 2020 by Frank Lake
“He was on assignment in Yunnan Province, China.” American scientists captured an 80-foot dinosaur in …

AMERICAN BEARS VOW NOT TO ATTACK CAMPERS WEARING MASKS!
July 27, 2020 by Brick Rivers
“WE HAVE TO PRESERVE OUR FOOD SOURCE!” DECLARES GRIZZLY “It really is an environmental first,” …

Today the headline I drew is Convenience Store Fined For Being Inconvenient.


 

Convenience Store Fined For Being Inconvenient

 

The police came with blue helmets. The door was locked. They had to knock on a window to wake the man up.

“Your sign says ‘OPEN 24 HOURS.’”

“Not in a row!” the man replied.

“Your milk is all out of date,” they said.

“I thought that was more of a suggestion,” the man replied.

“Your bread is stale.”

“Carbs are bad for you.”

“Garlic toothpaste?”

“No accounting for taste.”

“Your lot has a ‘NO PARKING’ sign.”

“Keeps the riff-raff out.”

“Your batteries are all dead,” they said.

“But they are marked down and clearly labeled as such.”

“You have back pain medication on the high shelf.”

“There’s a grabber available.”

“What is that machine?”

“It’s soda shaker – very popular with the kids.”

“Your newspapers are all days old.”

“History is important.”

“Your microwave has no door.”

“So you can check your food and it won’t burn.”

“Your fire sprinklers are leaking.”

“Why wait until the last minute.”

“Why are you selling snow chains and ice scrapers in the desert?”

“You never know.”

“That sign, ‘NEW STOCK TOMORROW’ – has been here for a year.”

“It’s not untrue.”

“That sign says, ‘TEN CENTS EACH, TWO FOR A QUARTER,’ “

“Still a bargain,”

“Your pencils – there are only numbers 1 and 3.”

“A unique selection.”

“Your lottery tickets are already scratched off.”

“Nobody wins anyway.”

“Your gum machine only takes foreign coins.”

“A service for our immigrant population.”

“That sign says, ‘EXACT CHANGE ONLY.’”

“Keeps the checkout line moving.”

“That sign says, ‘NO CREDIT NOR DEBIT CARDS.’”

“That keeps the prices low.”

“That sign says, ‘NO COUPONS ACCEPTED – EVEN OURS.’”

“Especially ours. They are no good.”

“We are going to have to fine you. There have been complaints.”

“Complaints! How is that possible? I have no customers!”

“No customers? How can you have a store with no customers?”

“My goal is a very exclusive clientele.”

“Be that as it may, we will have to fine you.”

“How much is the fine?”

“It depends on how much business you do.”

“But I don’t do any business.”

“Well, then we will take you to jail.”

They handcuffed the man and put him in a squad car. They explained he was being charged with running an Inconvenience Store. He asked them to make sure the door was locked.

“I don’t want to be robbed,” he said.

“We’ll keep an eye on it,” the police replied.

Why is a Raven Like a Writing-Desk?

Mad Hatter: “Why is a raven like a writing-desk?”
“Have you guessed the riddle yet?” the Hatter said, turning to Alice again.
“No, I give it up,” Alice replied: “What’s the answer?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea,” said the Hatter.
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


Oblique Strategy:
Short circuit (If eating peas improves virility, shovel them into your pants)

The Cedars, Dallas, Texas

The Cedars, Dallas, Texas

The Cedars, Dallas, Texas

I dream that somewhere there is an ancient text, very rare, that contains some far-reaching essential advice. Something that will answer all my questions. Something that might even give a hint of a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Still looking.

In the meantime, although magazines are dying, over three million people subscribe to Cosmopolitan. Here are some titles of their more pithy articles:

  • 50 ways to have fun with your guy.
  • Your hoo-ha handbook. Get a healthy sexy vagina
  • Amanda Bynes – A secret side of her you’ve never seen
  • The new male sex habit that can hurt a relationship
  • 100% HOTTER SEX. Thrill every inch of the body using a move no woman has dared to try on him before.
  • Why love is harder in winter
  • Get rid of muffin top.
  • Colors that make a man’s heart race.
  • Fergie – her naughty honeymoon surprise
  • He shoots, he scores — wacked-out things guys say in bed
  • Is stress turning you into a raging bitch?
  • HIS #1 SEX WISH. 71 guys crave this move. You’re gonna want to drop the magazine and do it on the spot.
  • 8 Things guys notice instantly
  • Mind tricks that melt pounds
  • Killer cocktail. How a popular drink could kill you in your sleep.
  • Bad girl issue – for sexy bitches only
  • Kim Kardashian – The mistake that still haunts her (no, not the sex tape)
  • Foreplay men crave -touch his secret erotic spot (surprise: it doesn’t rhyme with shemis.)
  • 26 gutsy ways to make a fresh start.
  • The silent clue men give off when they’re in love.
  • BE THE BEST SEX OF HIS LIFE. How to tease him mercilessly, seduce him slowly, and then rock his world in ways he’s only dreamed about.
  • WHAT HE THINKS DURING SEX. The crazy, dirty, sizzled, and yes sweet stuff that goes through his head when you two get hacked.
  • One question no guy can resist.
  • The sexy ass workout – 2 weeks to tight cheeks
  • Steal this trick – The #1 secret of confident chicks
  • What 81% of men expect on first date (you’ll be pleasantly surprised)
  • Sex panic – an ER doc reveals the freakiest down-there emergencies ever.
  • BAD GIRL SEX. These 12 moves will show him your really naughty side. We call them dirty dozen
  • Gut feelings you should never ignore.
  • 5 words that get the truth out of guys.
  • The “dirty sex” rule happy couple swear by.
  • When you hooha’s burning: Don’t use this common cure!
  • What he’s dying to hear during a date.
  • 50 SEX TRICKS. Trust Us: You’ll be the first girl naughty enough to try #43 on him.
  • Get hit on all the time (your friend will be really annoyed)
  • The orgasm whisperer every woman needs one!
  • Sex extras *secrets his sex style reveals. *cheat proof your love – with 4 words.
  • Kate Perry – How she grabbed Hollywood by the balls.
  • What you should never let you gyno do
  • 5 things that can blow a job interview.
  • 125 SEX MOVES. Thousand of men agree: these are the techniques that send them over the edge
  • 4 signs he’s craving you.
  • You on Top – the fierce new secret to success.
  • 100 SEX QUESTIONS. We answer every dirty thing you want to know. In 20 words or less.
  • Be lucky bitch! These proven mind tricks bring you what you
  • When your cramps mean something’s wrong
  • Dirty lying brides-Secrets they’re hiding from the groom.
  • BEST. SEX. EVER. Out gutsy new tips are guaranteed to give him the most bad ass orgasm imaginable and you too.
  • Get butt naked! 50 fun things to do bare – assed.
  • How to make choices you’ll never regret.
  • 3 questions that get a man to open up
  • The easy way to boost your sex drive (We stole a few secret from guys